Tour with Tanner

I took Tanner on a tour of the hospital so he could see where I go for doctor appointments, chemotherapy infusions, etc.  It was good for him to see how normal everything is.  He even got to meet my doctor, who was really great with him.  Here we are in front of my mural, which, by the way, is a huge puzzle.  After our tour, we went out to lunch.  It was fun to spend time with Tanner.

Neulasta #4

 

I had my last Neulasta shot between General Conference sessions.  I will not have to have Neulasta with my Taxol chemotherapy treatments.

Chemotherapy #4

I survived my fourth and final Adriamycin/Cytoxan treatment!!  Yay!!!!  It was long and hard, and maybe I was a little impatient just wanting to feel better, but I made it through.  Now I get a little break before I start the next kind of chemotherapy.  I am loving feeling well!!

 

I am so sad that I forgot to take a picture of Kellie!  She went with me to my doctor appointment and chemotherapy infusion.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU

Going through surgery and treatments for cancer is not fun, but this journey is being made sweet by many, many people.  Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and my family.  Thank you for fasting for me.  Thank you for your notes of faith and encouragement you have dropped off, mailed, emailed, and texted.  Thank you for the beautiful flowers, the tasty treats, and the wonderful dinners.  Thank you for the gifts from your heart.  Thank you for putting my name in the temple.  Thank you for driving Tanner to lessons, for tending Jackson, for getting my kids up and ready, for doing my laundry and cleaning my house, and for doing all the things I wish I could do myself.  I appreciate your kindness, generosity, love, hope, faith, and prayers.  You lift me up so I can make it through the hard days.  I feel so much love and gratitude for all you wonderful family members and friends!!!!  Thank you!!!!!

What is Chemotherapy?

Chemotherapy is a general term for different drugs used to treat cancer.  It is administered into the veins through an IV, or in my case, through my port.  When I go for a treatment, I first have an infusion of anti-nausea medications over about an hour, then I have the chemotherapy for about an hour and a half.  I feel fine during the treatment, but within a couple hours I start to feel sick.  Once I am home (usually early afternoon), I go to bed and don't get up until the next morning.

Right now I am having two kinds of chemotherapy - Adriamycin and Cytoxan.  They are pretty awful.  The nurse who administers the Adriamycin has to wear a plastic gown and gloves so she won't get burned if any should get on her.  There might be worse kinds of chemotherapy, but I don't want to find out.

Chemotherapy is designed to kill cancer cells.  Unfortunately, chemotherapy also kills good cells and has some pretty nasty side effects.  Below are some of the side effects I have experienced:

- severe nausea (After my first treatment, I couldn't eat anything for 4 days.  I sipped broth and soda in an attempt to stay hydrated and also to get my anti-nausea medications down.  We've been able to get the nausea more under control so that I am able to eat, but for about 8 days after chemotherapy, I am still pretty nauseated).

- headache and pain behind my eyes (This is so bad that for a whole week after chemotherapy, I don't do anything but sleep, eat, and sit on the couch.  My eyes bother me so much that I can't even read a book or watch a movie, which seem like they could help me get my mind off not feeling well).

- constipation (I'll spare you the details)

- extra sensitivity to light, sound, smell, taste, etc.  (For a few days after chemo, many foods taste bitter.  I can't stand loud noises or jerky movements.  Light bothers my eyes).

- extremely achey legs and feet

- bruised feeling on jaw, neck, shoulders, and back

- bone pain

- weakness (I can't open jars, water bottles, etc.  I don't have energy to do much of anything).

- body feels heavy

- mouth sores (Five years ago when I had chemotherapy, I counted over 50 canker-type sores, and I was miserable.  This time I've been lucky to only have one sore after each treatment).

- suppressed immune system, so I have to be really careful about germs

- hair loss

Hold On

I watched Music and the Spoken Word this morning and was touched by the message and the music.  They sang "Hold On" from The Secret Garden, and these words stood out to me:

It’s the storm, not you,
That’s bound to blow away. …
Hold on!

We will all face storms in life, but they are bound to pass.  The sun will shine again.  The trick is to 'hold on' through the wind and the rain.  Stormy times have the power to make us stronger if we will let them.  I am sick today, but I am holding on while this storm passes.  It's not going to blow me away.  I'll tough it out until it passes.

Neulasta #3

This time went a little faster.  I got my hydration over one hour, and then I got my Neulasta shot.

Chemotherapy #3



I went for my third treatment today.

Erin came with me, and we had a great time together.

 

 

This is what I came home to after chemotherapy.  Thank you to my sweet sister-in-law and cute nephews for putting a smile on my face.

 

Hair We Go Again...

I first noticed a few strands of my hair fall out on Thursday, September 5th, thirteen days after my first chemotherapy treatment.  By the next Tuesday, every time I ran my fingers through my hair, I'd get a handful.

 

Today, I brushed my hair before I washed it, and ran a pick through it afterwards, and this is what I came up with.

 

I decided it was time...  so I invited my family over for a party.

 

My brother started us out, and then others took turns.

 

Niece and Nephew watching from a distance

 

 

Keeping it fun

 

My only request was that I end up with a Mohawk.  Not too shabby.

 

We even added sparkles.

All my sisters.

 

All my siblings.

 

And my hubba hubby.

 

Jackson liked it.

Meet Chemo

We had a baby bird hatch on the same day as my first chemo treatment. Dan affectionately named her Chemo. This photo shows Chemo at two weeks old.

Neulasta #2

This took way too long today.  I just needed my hydration and shot, but it seemed like we were there for four hours!

Chemotherapy #2

 

Neulasta #1

The day after each of these first four treatments of chemotherapy, I go back to the hospital for a shot of neulasta.  It stimulates white blood cell growth and makes my bones (especially in my head) ache. :)  I also get IV hydration since it's hard for me to eat or drink.

Chemotherapy #1

Five years ago, I took a picture by the same mural each time I went for chemotherapy.  Well, I found my mural for this go-around.  Get used to seeing the ocean.

When Dan was taking this picture of me in my infusion chair, I heard a lady in a nearby chair say, "I don't want pictures of this.  I don't want to remember it."  On one hand, I agree; on the other, I really do want to remember this and everything I learn from it.

As you can see, there are big windows with a nice view and a lot of sunlight in the infusion room.

Port Surgery

I had a port put in today.  It's a small medical device that is placed under my skin below my clavicle that is connected to a central line and allows for blood draws and drug injections without the traditional needle prick each time.

 

Dan went with me early in the morning for surgery.  Kellie picked me up

 and took me home so that Dan could go to work.

 

Shopping!

I went shopping today for a new boob!  Okay, it's a prosthesis, but it's pretty cool.  It feels fairly normal, and it fits in a pocket in a special mastectomy bra.  When I got home, I was excited to show it off, so I tossed the prosthesis to my sister.  She caught it, handled it, looked pleasantly surprised, and said, "It's fun to play with!"  We gave each other weird looks, and she quickly gave the prosthesis back to me.

Talk About a Bad Day

A week after surgery, I had an appointment with my medical oncologist.  Dan took the day off so he could take me.  The pathology report we received the day before indicated that all the cancer was in breast tissue, so I headed to the doctor appointment with the belief that I would not be needing chemotherapy.  On the way, Dan noticed that we were really low on gas, but because of time, we decided to fill up on the way home.  Between the Thursday pathology report and the Friday morning doctor appointment, the pathologist took a second look at my tissue and found a lymph node that had cancer in it, as well as scattered cancer cells throughout the fat tissue, and also that one of the tumors was extremely close to my chest wall.  For these reasons, the recommendation came that I have chemotherapy.  My doctor suggested four treatments of two kinds of chemotherapy, Adriamycin and Cytoxan, but she said she wanted to talk to her colleagues and get their opinions as well.  Dan and I were surprised and sad.

We hadn't eaten breakfast, so we stopped at Sprouts Market to get an almond croissant, one of our favorite pastries.  We walked straight to the pastry case, saw flies in the cupboard, and walked right back out of the store.  Instead we went to Gourmandise Bakery, another place we like to get almond croissants.  As we arrived, Dan got a migraine.  We went in anyway and ordered our food, which by the way, cost three times as much as it would have at Sprouts.  We sat down, and I attempted to enjoy my breakfast while Dan was obviously miserable.  After a couple of bites of the delicious croissant, I took a big swig of milk and had another swallow in my mouth before I realized the milk was sour!  I spit it back into the cup.  Nasty!  I returned it to the counter and finished my breakfast with water.

I was only a week out of surgery and wasn't ready to drive yet, but because Dan was sick, I had to drive us home.  Coming down Victory Road, I noticed the fuel light on and saw that we had 4 miles of gas left.  I turned on to Beck Street, flipped a U-ey, and headed to the nearest gas station.  While Dan laid in the car, I put the gas in the car.  And then I drove us home.

Then I sat alone crying in my family room while Dan slept off his migraine.

A few days later, we laughed and laughed at the events of that day!

Pathology Report

My surgeon called with the pathology report today.  There were four tumors in my breast, but it looked like they were all contained within breast tissue, so that's good news!  We were hoping it hadn't spread beyond.  The report did not show the lymph node that my doctor knew she removed, though, so she said she would ask the pathologist to look again for that node and test it.

Mastectomy Surgery

I was lucky enough to get the first surgery of the day, so Dan and I had to arrive at 6:00 in the morning.  I had the usual surgery jitters, but Dan helped lighten the mood by joking around with the anesthesiologists (his co-workers).

I felt a little groggy after surgery, but was feeling really well by the afternoon, so Dan and I walked all over the outside gardens.  It was great to be up.  I also enjoyed the room service; it's so nice to be able to order whatever sounds good to you.  In the 24 hours I was there, I had two green apple smoothies (the best!), two shakes, an omelet, fish, fruit, salads, etc.  Delicious!

In the early evening, my sisters called from my home saying that one of our birds had escaped and was flying around the basement.  Kellie tried and tried to catch it, but had no luck.  So Dan went home to catch his bird.  While he was gone, my brother and sister in law and their cute kids stopped by for a visit.  Their kids warmed the heart of my nurse who had been quiet all day but really opened up when they were there and each time she came to check on me afterward.  She was a really sweet nurse.

My wonderful friend showed up at the hospital just like she did 5 years ago with a beautiful flower as well as a huge bag of gummy bears.  Good memories.

 

I went home with an On-Q pump, which bathed my surgery site with local anesthetic, keeping it numb for five days.  It was so nice because I didn't have to take pain medication by mouth, and thus wasn't all groggy and out of it, which I despise.

Genetic Testing Results

My genetic testing results came back normal.  It's good to know I don't carry the known genetic mutations for breast cancer.  It still seems like I've got something genetic going on since I have had breast cancer twice now, and my mom, her sister, and their mom had it too.

Meeting with Breast Surgeon

We met with a breast surgeon today.  I already knew she would recommend a mastectomy, so that wasn't earth-shattering news, but still a little hard to discuss.  Because of all the testing I've had that doesn't show any problems on my left side, she isn't recommending a double mastectomy unless I want it, and unless my genetic testing comes back positive for the breast cancer mutation.  So I am waiting on that information and then will make a decision.

Meeting with Plastic Surgeon

Today we met with a plastic surgeon to discuss the possibility of breast reconstruction after surgery.  I was a little bothered that it is the expected route, but I did want to learn about all the possibilities.  Because I had radiation to my breast 5 years ago, my skin there is tight and not flexible.  Thus, they would have to take a flap of skin and muscle from my back and move it around to my front, not to mention months of expanding that tissue to make a pocket for an implant.  It doesn't sound fun to have extra surgeries and the discomfort of expanding, but I am considering the possibility.

MRI

I had an MRI of my breasts today.  The right side showed what they expected to see based on the mammogram, and they didn't see any issues with the left side.  Again, more good news to cheer about!

PET Scan and Meeting with Genetics Counselor

Today I had a PET scan over my entire body.  It didn't show cancer anywhere else in my body.  Hooray!  We will celebrate any good information we get!

We also met with a genetics counselor and decided to go ahead with genetic testing.  The results could help determine what kind of surgery I have.  We should get these results back in a few weeks.

Meeting with Medical Oncologist

Today we met with my medical oncologist.  She is hopeful that surgery will be able to remove all my cancer and that we won't have to do treatments beyond that.

After I got off the phone with the doctor, I had to re-enter real life.  Dan was at work.  The boys were hungry.  I needed to make some dinner.  I had told Tanner about the call from the doctor.  As we sat at the kitchen table discussing what to have for dinner, Tanner suggested that I make Ramen noodles.  I asked, "Why?  Does that sound good?"  He answered, "Not really, but I want it to be easy for you.  That sounds like something easy for you to make."  What a nice boy!  My initial reaction is to shield him from this trial, but I also believe that it is for him too.  I hope we can find the right balance of letting him be a kid without any worries and also letting him learn and grow from our experiences.

After a delicious dinner of Ramen noodle soup, I took the boys to the park.

 

 

The Diagnosis

I missed a call from my doctor this morning while I was out exercising.  I returned her call as soon as I got home, but of course I had to wait all day, on pins and needles, to hear back from her.

When she called, she told me that I do have breast cancer again.  She explained that it looks a lot like the cancer I had before, with very similar features.  She made sure I was okay and then set up a time for me to come meet with her in person.

I hung up and cried, of course.  But within a minute of getting off the phone, I had a thought from an Elder Maxwell talk enter my mind with great force.  He said that the way we initially react to trials is vital.  He asked, "Which will we do most, murmur or ponder?"  I determined that I would ponder.

Waiting for Results

It has been a crazy week and a half, to say the least.  We've had a lot of thoughts and felt a lot of emotions, including fear, sadness, wondering about the past, wondering about the future, faith, trust, and more.  For the first few days, it was a lot of up and down.  But since Saturday, we have gradually felt more and more calm.  On Saturday night, Dan and I went to the temple, where we felt a lot of peace.  My family got together that evening and began a family fast.  I'm sure I have never fasted with such purpose and desire to give my will to God and to put my faith and trust in Him and His plan for me and my family.  We fasted and prayed that we might have the faith necessary to witness a healing if it be God's will.  We ended our fast together as a family in prayer.  Justin gave Dan a blessing.  My dad anointed me, and Dan gave me a blessing.  I was teary through my blessing, but as Dan finished, I had a big smile on my face.  I knew without a doubt that everything will be okay.  Everyone felt it.  We know that God has the power to heal me and that He will.  Whether that be right away, or after medical intervention, we don't know yet.  But the peace we felt was deep and real and abiding.  I have never felt quite so before.  I am holding on to that feeling as we have moved forward with the biopsies and now await the results.  There is no doubt in my mind that God could take this trial away from me now.  But if He doesn't, I know there is a reason for us to go through it, and we feel sure that I will be okay.

Biopsies

Dan and I went to the hospital for my biopsy this morning.  On the way there, we read the words to the hymn below and the following scriptures.  They helped retain the deep peace we have been feeling the last several days.

 

Everything at the hospital went well.  The Radiologist biopsied the spots in my breast that showed on the mammogram.  In addition, Dan and I had found a lump under my arm that the Radiologist biopsied under ultrasound.  We should have the results in three business days.

 

When Faith Endures 

Calmly  (I like how it says "Calmly"  :)  )

I will not doubt, I will not fear;
God’s love and strength are always near.
His promised gift helps me to find
An inner strength and peace of mind.
I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility.
His Spirit guides; his love assures
That fear departs when faith endures.

2 Timothy 1:7   For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

 

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36    Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

Lagoon

Two summers ago, I took Tanner to Lagoon.  He loved it and has been asking to go back ever since.  Last summer, I had a newborn, so I couldn't go, and Tanner never talked Dan into taking him.  This summer I decided I would take Tanner again.  After finding out I might be dealing with health issues, I decided we better go right away.  I let Tanner miss a day of school, and we went and had the time of our lives.  Two years ago, he disappointed me and didn't want to go on many big rides.  Tidal Wave made him queasy, and he wouldn't think about the roller coasters.  But this year I was thrilled to find out that he LOVED the roller coasters.  Well, not the biggest ones.  But the medium ones.  So he is well on his way.  I still had to let him ride a few of the kiddie rides, but we had a blast together on The Bat, BomBora, the bumper cars, Flying Aces, Jumping Dragon, OdySea, etc.  He had zero interest in Tidal Wave and the big roller coasters, but I can be happy with the other rides until he's ready.  We both closed our eyes the entire time through Terroride, which we did two years ago too.  Maybe next time we'll be smart enough to just not go on it.  We even went on Rattlesnake Rapids and the log flume and got totally drenched, which I don't usually like to do, but it was fun laughing through it with him.  The very best part was around 9:30 at night when it cooled down and there was no line at BomBora.  We went on it about 10 times in a row without having to wait at all.  They wouldn't let us stay on the ride (I asked), so we'd get off, run down the ramp, run up the stairs, over the ride, down the stairs, and get right back on.  We were laughing like crazy and had so much fun!  Tanner kept asking, "One more time?!"  And I'd say, "Okay!"  Finally we wore out and went home.  It was a great day!

Routine Mammogram

Several months ago, I celebrated making it five years since my diagnosis with breast cancer.  At that time, I had a check up with my doctor, and things appeared okay, but we postponed having a mammogram since I was still breastfeeding at the time.  Now that I have finished breastfeeding, I went for the mammogram.  After the films were taken, I sat and waited while the radiologist took a look at them.  I knew something was up when he requested that I have several more images taken.  He told me that the images showed some areas that were "highly suspicious of malignancy" and that I would need to schedule a time to come back for a biopsy.

As I drove home, I tried to be brave, but tears coursed down my cheeks.  I had a million thoughts go through my head.  I wondered a lot about the past.  I wondered if I had the right surgery and the right treatments five years ago.  I wondered if I made correct decisions regarding my health.  Before I reached home, though, I recalled three distinct experiences from my past that filled my heart with peace and made me feel no regret for the past.  I knew that if this was something, that if this was cancer again, that there would be a purpose for having to do it again, but that it wasn't because of something I did wrong in the past.