MRI

I had an MRI of my breasts today.  The right side showed what they expected to see based on the mammogram, and they didn't see any issues with the left side.  Again, more good news to cheer about!

PET Scan and Meeting with Genetics Counselor

Today I had a PET scan over my entire body.  It didn't show cancer anywhere else in my body.  Hooray!  We will celebrate any good information we get!

We also met with a genetics counselor and decided to go ahead with genetic testing.  The results could help determine what kind of surgery I have.  We should get these results back in a few weeks.

Meeting with Medical Oncologist

Today we met with my medical oncologist.  She is hopeful that surgery will be able to remove all my cancer and that we won't have to do treatments beyond that.

After I got off the phone with the doctor, I had to re-enter real life.  Dan was at work.  The boys were hungry.  I needed to make some dinner.  I had told Tanner about the call from the doctor.  As we sat at the kitchen table discussing what to have for dinner, Tanner suggested that I make Ramen noodles.  I asked, "Why?  Does that sound good?"  He answered, "Not really, but I want it to be easy for you.  That sounds like something easy for you to make."  What a nice boy!  My initial reaction is to shield him from this trial, but I also believe that it is for him too.  I hope we can find the right balance of letting him be a kid without any worries and also letting him learn and grow from our experiences.

After a delicious dinner of Ramen noodle soup, I took the boys to the park.

 

 

The Diagnosis

I missed a call from my doctor this morning while I was out exercising.  I returned her call as soon as I got home, but of course I had to wait all day, on pins and needles, to hear back from her.

When she called, she told me that I do have breast cancer again.  She explained that it looks a lot like the cancer I had before, with very similar features.  She made sure I was okay and then set up a time for me to come meet with her in person.

I hung up and cried, of course.  But within a minute of getting off the phone, I had a thought from an Elder Maxwell talk enter my mind with great force.  He said that the way we initially react to trials is vital.  He asked, "Which will we do most, murmur or ponder?"  I determined that I would ponder.

Waiting for Results

It has been a crazy week and a half, to say the least.  We've had a lot of thoughts and felt a lot of emotions, including fear, sadness, wondering about the past, wondering about the future, faith, trust, and more.  For the first few days, it was a lot of up and down.  But since Saturday, we have gradually felt more and more calm.  On Saturday night, Dan and I went to the temple, where we felt a lot of peace.  My family got together that evening and began a family fast.  I'm sure I have never fasted with such purpose and desire to give my will to God and to put my faith and trust in Him and His plan for me and my family.  We fasted and prayed that we might have the faith necessary to witness a healing if it be God's will.  We ended our fast together as a family in prayer.  Justin gave Dan a blessing.  My dad anointed me, and Dan gave me a blessing.  I was teary through my blessing, but as Dan finished, I had a big smile on my face.  I knew without a doubt that everything will be okay.  Everyone felt it.  We know that God has the power to heal me and that He will.  Whether that be right away, or after medical intervention, we don't know yet.  But the peace we felt was deep and real and abiding.  I have never felt quite so before.  I am holding on to that feeling as we have moved forward with the biopsies and now await the results.  There is no doubt in my mind that God could take this trial away from me now.  But if He doesn't, I know there is a reason for us to go through it, and we feel sure that I will be okay.

Biopsies

Dan and I went to the hospital for my biopsy this morning.  On the way there, we read the words to the hymn below and the following scriptures.  They helped retain the deep peace we have been feeling the last several days.

 

Everything at the hospital went well.  The Radiologist biopsied the spots in my breast that showed on the mammogram.  In addition, Dan and I had found a lump under my arm that the Radiologist biopsied under ultrasound.  We should have the results in three business days.

 

When Faith Endures 

Calmly  (I like how it says "Calmly"  :)  )

I will not doubt, I will not fear;
God’s love and strength are always near.
His promised gift helps me to find
An inner strength and peace of mind.
I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility.
His Spirit guides; his love assures
That fear departs when faith endures.

2 Timothy 1:7   For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

 

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36    Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

Lagoon

Two summers ago, I took Tanner to Lagoon.  He loved it and has been asking to go back ever since.  Last summer, I had a newborn, so I couldn't go, and Tanner never talked Dan into taking him.  This summer I decided I would take Tanner again.  After finding out I might be dealing with health issues, I decided we better go right away.  I let Tanner miss a day of school, and we went and had the time of our lives.  Two years ago, he disappointed me and didn't want to go on many big rides.  Tidal Wave made him queasy, and he wouldn't think about the roller coasters.  But this year I was thrilled to find out that he LOVED the roller coasters.  Well, not the biggest ones.  But the medium ones.  So he is well on his way.  I still had to let him ride a few of the kiddie rides, but we had a blast together on The Bat, BomBora, the bumper cars, Flying Aces, Jumping Dragon, OdySea, etc.  He had zero interest in Tidal Wave and the big roller coasters, but I can be happy with the other rides until he's ready.  We both closed our eyes the entire time through Terroride, which we did two years ago too.  Maybe next time we'll be smart enough to just not go on it.  We even went on Rattlesnake Rapids and the log flume and got totally drenched, which I don't usually like to do, but it was fun laughing through it with him.  The very best part was around 9:30 at night when it cooled down and there was no line at BomBora.  We went on it about 10 times in a row without having to wait at all.  They wouldn't let us stay on the ride (I asked), so we'd get off, run down the ramp, run up the stairs, over the ride, down the stairs, and get right back on.  We were laughing like crazy and had so much fun!  Tanner kept asking, "One more time?!"  And I'd say, "Okay!"  Finally we wore out and went home.  It was a great day!

Routine Mammogram

Several months ago, I celebrated making it five years since my diagnosis with breast cancer.  At that time, I had a check up with my doctor, and things appeared okay, but we postponed having a mammogram since I was still breastfeeding at the time.  Now that I have finished breastfeeding, I went for the mammogram.  After the films were taken, I sat and waited while the radiologist took a look at them.  I knew something was up when he requested that I have several more images taken.  He told me that the images showed some areas that were "highly suspicious of malignancy" and that I would need to schedule a time to come back for a biopsy.

As I drove home, I tried to be brave, but tears coursed down my cheeks.  I had a million thoughts go through my head.  I wondered a lot about the past.  I wondered if I had the right surgery and the right treatments five years ago.  I wondered if I made correct decisions regarding my health.  Before I reached home, though, I recalled three distinct experiences from my past that filled my heart with peace and made me feel no regret for the past.  I knew that if this was something, that if this was cancer again, that there would be a purpose for having to do it again, but that it wasn't because of something I did wrong in the past.